One of my favorite things is to be fishing out in the ocean. Saturday, my dad, my husband, and I went fishing. We got up at 3am, drove to the coast, and got on the boat about 5:45am. It was a small boat, just the three of us and the captain. It was a great day. There was a little fog early in the morning, but a couple hours and 22 miles later, it was gone. Nothing but blue skies and ocean for miles. I always feel at peace out in the water. My anxiety stays on shore. No worries.
We didn’t know the captain. Dad had talked with him a few times before, but didn’t really know him. Yet, we got on a boat with a total stranger and trusted him with our lives completely. The captain has been doing this for over 19 years. I suppose he knew what he was doing. He started going over some safety instructions and showed us where the life jackets were. My anxiety took over and I asked, “Have you ever had to use those?” His response was (somewhat) comforting. He had never used them while taking others out, but maybe once (or twice) when he was alone being a little reckless. My anxiety was satisfied and stayed quiet the rest of the day.
Like I said before, I have a very “I can do it myself” attitude. I like to be in control of things. Even riding in a car makes me nervous. I’d rather drive and be in control so I know what to expect. I don’t know what the driver is thinking! I have a friend who has anxiety driving. I have anxiety riding, so we make a great pair. (Thanks for letting me drive!!)
Asking for help makes me anxious and like a failure. I’d rather do it alone. I am slowly learning (the hard way) that I can’t do it alone. Sometimes I bite off more than I can chew and end up choking.
Here comes anxiety.
“What if I ask for help and someone thinks I’m dumb? What if they get aggravated if I ask for help? What if they are helping me and can’t help someone who needs it more? Just do it alone! Fine. I’ll do it myself. What do I do now? I don’t know what I’m doing! I need help. No! I can do this. No I can’t. Am I crazy!? I can’t do this! They are going to think I’m dumb because I tried to do this alone and now I can’t. But, what if…” and the circle of anxiety continues.
Being on the boat, I had absolutely no control over anything: the speed, where we went, the weather, the sea conditions, nothing. But still, I was at peace. I was in my “happy place.” Even though the captain was a total stranger, I trusted him. But why? That’s his job. He knew what he was doing. For 19 years, he has been doing that. He had control and I trusted him.
I know Jesus, but why don’t I trust him completely? He’s no stranger to me. Why is it so hard to trust him?
Mark 4:35-41 – Jesus calms a storm
Here, Jesus and the disciples get in a boat and start to travel to the other side of the sea. In my head, this is how I picture it. After they get started, Jesus goes to lay down and all is well. The clouds come, the storm starts, and the disciples freak out. While reading this I thought, “Aren’t some of the disciples fishermen?” I’m sure some of them had some idea how to handle this situation. Water starts coming in the boat, so they have to get it out! However, they pour out buckets of water in vain. The waves are too much to handle. Jesus is still asleep. He isn’t worried.
The disciples wake Jesus and ask him why he doesn’t care! They are going to sink and he’s just sleeping! What in the world!? They are working and working to save themselves and Jesus is just laying there! Why isn’t he doing something about this!?
Jesus spoke, “Peace! Be still!” (Verse 39) and the storm stopped. No more wind. No more waves crashing in the boat. They were no longer in danger.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told God, “I can do this myself!” then end up getting mad at him for not doing something about it when it doesn’t work out. When the storms of life come, I try to take control and handle it alone. The water in my boat gets deeper and deeper. Sometimes I feel like I’m using a teaspoon to get the water out. Just before I sink, I ask God, “Why?” “Why is this happening to me? Why can’t I do this? Why aren’t you doing anything about it!? Why are you letting me sink!?”
“Peace! Be still!” He reminds me.
God is in control. It’s his job. He’s been doing this way more than 19 years. He knows what he is doing.
“Letting go and letting God” hasn’t been easy for me. It still isn’t easy. I want so badly to be in control, but I have to give him control. My anxiety is something I thought I could handle alone. Covering it up with a fake smile and answering “How are you?” with the famous lie “I’m fine, thanks” had become second nature. My pride couldn’t handle the fact that I need help. I need help daily.
God is no stranger to me, so why is it hard to trust him? Because I am a sinner. I need God everyday. Maybe one day I won’t have to deal with anxiety anymore, but maybe I’ll deal with it forever. Either way, I have to trust God to be in control of my life.
God, you are amazing. You are always there and you always love us. Please help me to remember that I can’t do things alone. I always need you. Help me to remember that you are always there. I give you this anxiety, this storm in my life. Be in control. Help me to love you and others more everyday. Amen.
AMS
I’m Fine, Thanks 