Security Blanket

I have a pretty large family. There are so many of us. When we all get together, there are people in the house and outside because there is simply not enough room for everyone inside. We love getting together for holidays, especially Christmas. As you can imagine, trying to buy gifts for everyone puts a pretty big dent in a wallet. One year for Christmas, we decided to pick names. That way, each person only had to buy one gift and no one was left out. My great-uncle and aunt had my name. They gave me a gray, T-shirt material blanket.

It is one of my favorite blankets.

I have had the blanket for at least ten years. My blanket goes almost everywhere I go. I don’t take it to work or to run errands, but if I go out of town, you better believe I’m packing my blanket. It even goes to the beach with me. I lay out on it often. Every night, I make sure it is on the bed with me. Yes, I am 25 years old and yes, I do have a “security blanket.” There’s no real reason why. I just really like my blanket. I suppose it reminds me of home. No matter where I go, I can always take a piece of home with me. It is comforting. I feel protected.

A smile is my other security blanket. It is easy and simple. It is much easier to smile and say “I’m fine” than it is to tell the truth and spill my guts about how I’m really feeling. Sometimes I am afraid that someone is going to ask me how I’m doing and it is all going to start pouring out of me and I won’t be able to stop it.

Them – “How are you?”
Me – (in my head) *How am I? I’m tired. I’m tired because I can’t sleep due to the fact that my mind is racing and I constantly think about every wrong or awkward thing I ever did. I’m thinking about what I should have done differently and how much better life could be if I had just done it right the first time. I’m sad. I’m sad and sometimes I don’t know why, but I am. I’m worried. I am worried about everything all the time. My mind will just not calm down. I’m worried about people, church, work, life in general. I want things to be so great all the time and sometimes they just aren’t. I’m tired, I’m sad, I’m worried, I’m anxious, and I’m stressed. I just want to eat a cookie, watch Friends, and take a nap!*
Me – “I’m fine.” with a smile on my face.

After my first post, several people reached out and said they had no idea that I am going through all this. “You’re always so happy and smiling!” It is easier to be that way. I would rather make someone else happy than bring them down with my issues. I am naturally a happy person, but I am also an anxious person.

Have you ever heard the saying, “Fake it ’til you make it”? I must say, I have become pretty good at faking it. But “faking it” makes the “making it” part more difficult. I found that the harder I tried to cover things up with a smile, the worse it got and the worse I felt. I was sleeping less and having to take sleep aids just to fall asleep (they certainly didn’t help me stay asleep). I was eating way more than I should have. I was getting mad at my husband for absolutely no reason. I didn’t want to go out with friends and do things because I just did not feel like putting on a smile and acting like everything was okay. I thought that if I talked about it, people wouldn’t listen. They would think differently of me. They would treat me differently. I thought people would think I was weak or complaining.

I was wrong.

Hiding behind my “security blanket” (a smile) was just making things worse. Talking about any anxieties and sharing my story has helped me so much these few weeks. Talking with people I trust helps. Writing in my journal, talking, blogging, all of it has helped me.

You want to know what else has helped?

God.

“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.”
-Psalm 94:19

God is my comfort and my strength. When I say “I can’t” God says, “But I can!” He’s always there for me. He never leaves me. It reminds me of my security blanket. God protects me, comforts me, wraps me in his love, he goes with me where ever I go (Even to work and to run errands unlike my actual blanket). He gives me the courage to put on a genuine smile and to not hide behind a fake one.

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”
1 Corinthians 10:31

Like I said before, I may fight anxiety all of my life, but the Bible says to glorify God in everything. He will see me through this. I will praise him in the highs and the lows. I know (somehow) this is all part of his plan for me, even if I don’t always understand it.

God, you are awesome. You show me grace and love everyday even when I don’t deserve it. You care for me whether I am truly happy or if I am anxious. Thank you for loving me. Please let me remember that only in you will I find true happiness. Help me to rely on you in all things. Amen.

AMS