Brush Your Teeth

5am, my alarm goes off. Get up. Grab clothes. Sneak out of the room so my husband doesn’t wake up. Head to the bathroom to get ready. Shower. Get dressed. Brush my teeth. Take medicine. Go kiss my husband and say “Bye. I’ll see you later. I love you.” Go to the kitchen to make breakfast. Grab my stuff. Tell my dogs “Be good. I’ll be back.” Go to work.

That’s my routine every morning. I like my routine. Its easy, safe, and I always know what to expect. I use to like spontaneity, but the older I get, the more I like routine.

I do not like when something interrupts my routine.

Depression is awful. It ruins everything, including my routine. Depression makes things difficult. Getting up, getting a shower, getting dressed, brushing my teeth, everything. Last year, I experienced my first real battle with depression.

I don’t know exactly how to explain it. It was like this weird blanket of sadness came over me and I couldn’t get out from under it. I didn’t want to do anything. All I could do was lay down and cry. Sometimes, I didn’t even know why I was upset. I just was.

I was so consumed in this….awfulness…I stopped taking care of myself. I didn’t even want to brush my teeth. There were several days where I made myself get up, I stood in front of the mirror, and cried while brushing my teeth. Again, sometimes, I didn’t even know why.

My husband is absolutely amazing. During all that, he wanted so bad to fix it. He wanted to do something about it. But, he didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t know what to tell him to do. He didn’t understand and I couldn’t find the words to explain it. He held me when I cried and hugged me often. Just being there was a big help.

I’ve told him before, it is ok he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t have to understand. And I kinda don’t want him to understand. I say that because I feel like people who have dealt with it understand and some who don’t deal with it, don’t understand. I don’t want him to have to battle depression, so I don’t really want him to understand. It is ok that he doesn’t understand.

It’s hard to get through depression. It’s hard to come out of it.

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

This weekend, a group from church came to the beach. We have talked about the importance of rest and resting in God. Last night, we were asked to write on a notecard something we are struggling with. Mine, obviously, was anxiety and depression. One of the leaders asked us last night why we think that our issues are too big for God to handle.

Why do I think that? God created everything. Why do I think I have to handle this alone? Why do I think he can’t handle this?

During my battle, I had people praying for me and so much support was given to me. I had to make the effort everyday to pray and believe that God would bring me through it. And he did. He always does.

Some people deal with depression more so than anxiety. But some, like me, have more anxiety than depression. I am almost kind of use to my anxiety. I can cover it up. But depression, that’s a whole new ball game. I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea what was going on or if I would make it. Everyday was a struggle. But God did it. He was there. He carried me. He loved me. And he still does.

I am so thankful for the days I can get up, brush my teeth, and face the day with a happy heart. It makes the bad days better because I know they won’t last. Peace is coming and God is doing big things.

God, thank you for loving me, for giving me hope and courage, and for giving me the strength to face each new day. Thank you for fighting my battles when I’m too weak to even get out of bed. Thank you for reminding me that hard times will come, but you hold the future. You’ve got this. Please help me to love you and love others better everyday. Amen.

AMS