I’ve been kinda quiet the past few weeks but I’m not sorry. I’ve been stressed out and super anxious so I needed a little space. And you know what? I think that’s totally fine. Sometimes we just need space and a little time.
So, I started another blog post about a week ago, but I couldn’t end it the way I wanted to. I got kinda frustrated with it. All I can think about is this coming week. I decided to share with you what is currently stressing me out.
I don’t have a thyroid. Mine was removed in 2014, about a month after I got engaged.
When I was in 7th grade, I started seeing an endocrinologist. That’s when we found out I have hypothyroidism. I had regular doctor visits, blood tests, and neck ultrasounds. I also had nodules on my thyroid. My doctor wasn’t really concerned about it because they didn’t get any bigger for a few years. Then, they started getting bigger pretty fast. In 2012, I had my first biopsy. Everything seemed to be all good, but checkups became even more important. The nodules kept getting bigger and were starting to make breathing and swallowing a little difficult. My doctor decided having my thyroid totally removed was the best option. So, in December 2014, a month after I got engaged, I went to Duke hospital and had my thyroid removed.
No more worries, right? Wrong.
After it was removed, I learned a few things.
1) My thyroid was four times the size of a normal thyroid. Holy moly! It was so big, when I held my head back, you could actually see my thyroid!
2) I have Hashimoto’s which is an autoimmune disease. (Interesting fact: one of the symptoms is depression).
3) I’ll have to be on medication forever.
4) Tests were done on my thyroid after it was removed. “Spots” were found that were precancerous. My doctor described them to me as like “stage zero.” I also had microcarcinoma.
(Thank you, internet, for the information)
5) The area was well cleaned, so my doctor felt there was no need for further treatment of the precancer/microcarcinoma. (Such a blessing!) However, I would have to be routinely checked.
So, yea. That was a lot of information to get in one appointment.
I was in shock. A little scared. But also relieved. If it hadn’t been removed, things could have been much worse for me. I thank God for how perfect his timing is!
In 2016 at one of my checkups, they found a small possible growth where my thyroid used to be, so I had to have another biopsy. Again, the tests were clear.
I went to my endocrinologist about three weeks ago. That growth/spot/thing is still there. Luckily, it’s the same size as before. But, I have to go back this week for more blood tests. Ugh. The past few months, my medicine dosage has been changed ALOT. My levels have been crazy and it’s just been a big mess. I just don’t feel right.
The blood tests this week will test thyroid levels and tumor marker. If the tumor marker levels are too high, then I’ll have to have more testing done.
I’m just stressed.
This has been such an issue for me for so long that I feel like I should be use to it by now. But I’m not. Each visit has its own new craziness and worries. I just want it to be okay.
And even if it’s not, I know God is always there.
He is so good and he has a plan for me. A great plan! Even if I can’t quite see it yet. I don’t understand why I go through these things. I don’t know why my thyroid tried to take me down. I don’t know why my anxiety won’t let me sleep sometimes. I don’t know why depression wants me to stay home away from people. I don’t know. But I know God does. And he wants me to trust him. And sometimes it’s really hard! But I know God understands. He understands what a struggle this has been for me. He understands why I’m nervous about every test result. He understands that I don’t understand. God is so good. He loves me and he wants what is best for me. He wants to use me for his glory.
It’s hard and I get really frustrated sometimes. I’ve been driving down the road before, tears pouring down my face, screaming my guts out asking God why he is doing this to me! Why do I have all these problems!? Why can’t I live a normal life!? Why me!?
I really believe it’s because God wants me to learn to trust him. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m very independent and have an “I can do it myself” attitude. And God knows that. But he wants me to trust him. He wants me to give this to him. I can’t handle all these things alone and he knows that! That’s why he’s there to help!! He doesn’t want me to do this alone. He wants me to trust him enough to give it to him so he can help me through it.
Even though I’m stressed out, I know God loves me. Even if you are stressed out, God loves you, too. He is good. He is able. He is stronger.
Dear God, thank you for always being there for me. Please take away these anxieties and fears. Help me to trust you and to let you help me through all of this craziness of life. I know you have everything under control, so please don’t let me forget that. You are good and you are awesome. Please help me love you and love others better everyday. Amen.
AMS
I’m Fine, Thanks 