I Need A Nap

Sometimes, a lot of the time, all I want to do is take a nap. Going to bed early is my favorite thing! I get called “Grandma” often because everyone knows I do not stay up late. Is sleeping a hobby? Because I think it is my hobby.

I stress a lot. I worry a lot. And this week, I’ve been really depressed. Why? I have no idea. It comes in waves. Some waves are stronger than others. This weekend has been a strong wave. I’ve cried so much. I haven’t slept well. I’ve been mad at my husband. I’ve been mad at myself. I’ve been mad at everything.

I haven’t been sleeping well and I know it’s because I’ve been so anxious/depressed. All I want to do is take a nap. If you ask some of the girls at work, they will tell you I say “I just need a snack and a nap” all the time.

Does sleeping fix my problem? No. Does it make the anxiety/depression go away? I wish but no. But for a few minutes/hours, I’m able to escape and just relax. Sometimes life is really overwhelming and anxiety/depression makes me tired all the time. So a nap helps. It helps me chill out a bit, perks me up, and helps me think a little better. I love naps. And I really love going to bed early. It’s my favorite.

This weekend, that depression wave hit me really hard and fast. Sometimes I can feel it coming, but this time it was like a light switch being turned on. I got so frustrated and angry and upset and sad and worried and so many other emotions jumbled up together so fast that it actually scared me. It scared my husband, too. It was awful. I cried so long that I could barely open my eyes. They were so swollen! I was so depressed and I didn’t even really know why. I feel better today, but it’s still there. I’m not sure how long I’m going to be riding this wave, but I hope it goes by quickly.

My husband listened while I cried and while I sobbed out all the things I was thinking about. He asked me why I don’t tell him about this more. I told him it’s because I don’t want him to worry about me. He was very kind and reminded me that he is here to help and listen to me all the time – anytime.

When we first started dating, he didn’t understand why I wanted to sleep all the time. But now he understands. That’s how I deal with stress. Is it the best way to handle stress? Probably not. But, it helps me a little.

My husband also asked me if I had been praying about this.

No, no I haven’t.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve done too much for God to want to listen to me or give me another chance. I know it isn’t true, but sometimes that’s just how I feel. This anxiety and depression is like a bad habit that I can’t shake. No matter how happy I am or how good life is, that cloud is following me. Even if it’s just a little cloud, it’s still there. I pray. I worry. I pray. I worry.

I heard this once- if you are going to pray, why worry? If you are going to worry, why pray?

I get on this cycle of praying and worrying. It’s rather exhausting, honestly.

Picture this- you’re climbing up a mountain. You get about half way up. You’re tired, hungry, and sleepy. You just want a snack and a nap! So, you decide halfway is good enough. You stop. Before you are able to sit, a rock falls beneath your foot and you fall with it, waaaaay down the mountain. You’re tired, but you decide to climb back to the halfway point. You’re so tired that you fall again before you get there. This time, you’ve fallen farther. You climb, you fall, you climb, you fall.

That’s me in this struggle with anxiety and depression. I get so tired of fighting, I give up and slip. I’ll try really hard for a while, decide it’s “good enough,” take it easy, and then end up falling even farther than before. It’s awful.

Guess what.

God doesn’t give up on us. He never gives up on us.

When we feel worthless, when we feel like we could never be forgiven, when we feel like God is too far away, when we feel like God is tired of us…God says “come to me.” Go to him! Pray to him! Worship and praise his name for he is good and he is worthy! He loves us always and wants us to trust him with everything.

Tomorrow, my husband and I are starting a new diet challenge. We want to feel better and do better. We have also started exercising more and will continue to do so this month. I saw on Pinterest (I love it so much) a quote about fitness. This lady said that when she stopped focusing on the physical challenge of it and started making it a journey to honor God and treat her body as she should, it helped her get physical results and become closer to God. This month, I want to do that. With the food I eat, with the activities I do, with the words I say, I want to honor God. Beating myself up and saying I’m not worthy of anything is not honoring God. I want to make a lifestyle change to help me manage my anxiety/depression and to know God better. My husband and I are becoming more intentional about praying together and reading the Bible together. We plan to become even better at it this month with this lifestyle change.

Things I want to do this month:

1)Pray more – I know I need to pray more and I am going to. God wants me to go to him for everything, so that’s what I’m going to do.

2)Read more – well, I’m not much of a reader, but I do love an audio book! I even have the Bible on audio! What better way to learn more about God and get to know him better than through his word!

3)Drink more water and eat better

4)Get on a decent sleep schedule – I love to nap. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. But it does mess with my sleep some. Hopefully through becoming mentally, spiritually, physically healthier, great sleep will be on the way!

5)Love God and Love others better – every single day.

6)Be nicer to myself – I hear everything I say. I spend so much time with me. I should really be nicer to myself.

I really want this new month to be a great change. From napping to loving God more to being kind to myself, I want to improve. I know my mental health will improve so much if I just keep fighting and relying on God!

God, you are wonderful. You are awesome. You are everything I need. Thank you so much for my husband who reminds me I need you on my best day, my worst day, and everyday in between. Help me, God. Please help me. Sometimes, I don’t know what to pray, but I know you hear the cries of my heart. You know how weak I get, you know how tired, how frustrated, how upset I get. But you are always there. Please let me always remember that you love me, you care for me, and you are always there for me no matter what. Help me to love and trust you more. Show me how to give all of this to you. Nothing is too big or too small for you. Thank you for always being by my side. Amen.

AMS