Even Still

To Lucy

Today: Pregnancy Week 26 Day 2

Friday marks the start of the third trimester. For twenty-six weeks and two days, I have been freaked out, worried, stressed, literally sick and tired, hot, sweaty, and hungry.

Before January of this year, I was not the kind to ever say I wanted to be a mother (for several of the reasons above and many others). I didn’t want to bring a child into this messed up world. I didn’t want someone messing up my life. I didn’t want the responsibility. I didn’t want to get into something I knew nothing about. I was perfectly okay being married and calling my dogs “my babies.”

I’m a selfish person. I like taking naps with no interruptions, sleeping in, watching what I want, doing what I want, going wherever I want to whenever I want to. I like not sharing my food. I like being able to take a long shower. I like being able to do absolutely nothing if I choose to.

I’m terrified and I’m selfish…

Even still… I can’t wait to meet you.

I found out on January 3rd that you were on the way. And to be completely honest, I was not excited at first. I was so afraid. I called your dad and he was instantly scared, just like me. The first 24 hours was scary. I went to the doctor the very next day just to be sure. When the doctor walked in with the positive results, a little peace seemed to wash over me. I was still afraid, but the reality of you was starting to set in.

I was, and still am, so afraid…

Even still… I can’t wait to meet you.

A few weeks later, the morning sickness came. I thought it would never end. Morning, afternoon, evening, middle of the night. It didn’t matter. I was sick. No medicine seemed to help and some just made it worse. Smells were the worst. Just the thought of something smelly made my stomach turn.

Through all that sickness… I still can’t wait to meet you.

We announced your arrival and everyone was thrilled. We found out you’re a girl and people joined in on our excitement! Then, we told people your name. There have been some mixed feelings about the name we picked, some things have been said that upset us, but you’re ours. Ours to love. It doesn’t matter what name we chose. You are ours and we love you. Our Lucy.

So many opinions…

Even still… I can’t wait to meet you.

The second trimester came and so did all the horror stories. C-section tragedies, epidural fails, long labor stories, miscarriage sadness. All of it. Most of the stories have been absolutely terrifying. I’ve worried, I’ve stressed, I’ve stayed up at night thinking about everything that could go wrong. What if something happens to you? I haven’t even met you yet, but if something were to happen to you, I’d be absolutely devastated. What if something happens to me? What if something happens to both of us?

Even still… through all that worrying and the “what if’s”…

I can’t wait to meet you.

When I get scared, your little kicks (and sometimes a bit of violent kicking) reminds me that it’s all going to be okay. I’ve never been a mom before. But, you haven’t experienced the world before either. So, if I’m not completely perfect, you aren’t going to know. All that matters is that you know I love you and I’m trying my very best. We will get through it together. Watching my belly move as you move brings a smile to my face and makes me a little less afraid.

Going to the doctor hasn’t been my favorite thing, but hearing your little heart beat and knowing you are okay and growing has been one of my favorite parts of pregnancy. Seeing your little face on the screen was amazing. You’re an actual, real, little person! You have the cutest little nose. And I can’t wait to kiss your sweet little cheeks.

As the third trimester approaches, the reality that you are, in fact, actually coming into this world is setting in. The diapers and wipes are starting to pile up. Your little clothes are hung in your closet. You’re so tiny, but all the things needed for you take up a lot of space. The bigger you get, the less I can breathe. Sleeping is uncomfortable. Indigestion is real. And so is pregnancy acne. I have to pee ALL THE TIME. My back hurts. My feet hurt. My fingers are starting to swell. It’s hot. I’m hot. Everything’s hot. (Except your poor dad, he’s freezing). The stress of having everything ready is overwhelming. The worry of labor and child birth and “what in the world do I do with you when we get home from the hospital!?” is so very, very real. My world is changing constantly and so fast I feel like I can’t keep up.

Even still…

I am so extremely excited to meet you.

I can’t wait for the moment I get to hold you for the first time. Hear your little cry. Rock you to sleep. Hold your little hand. Kiss those chubby cheeks (and I’m hoping they are like crazy cute chubbiness). Smell your new baby scent. Watch your dad hold you for the first time and teach him how to change your diaper. I can’t wait for your grandparents and uncles and aunts and cousins to meet you. I can’t wait to watch your personality grow and watch you become the awesome little person I know you will be.

Even though I thought I’d never want to be a mom, I’m so excited to be your mom. I’m glad God chose me to be your mom. I never knew that a person I’ve never met could change me in so many ways and mean so much to me.

Even still… through the worry and all the other things that come along with being pregnant and being a first time mom…

I am so completely, totally, extremely, crazy excited to meet you.

I love you sweet girl.

My Lucy.

AMS