Sadie Ann

Sadie Ann was born November 13th, 2021 at 3:40pm. She was absolutely perfect. She had her big sister’s nose, the most perfect hands and feet, weighed 8.3oz and was 8.75in long. She was small and oh so very beautiful.

Sadie Ann, I dreamed about you for weeks. I knew somehow that you were a girl months before we found out. I felt your little kicks and movements. I still catch myself running my hand across my belly like you’re still in there…Like you should still be with me.

This was a rough pregnancy. I threw up almost every day from 5 weeks until she was born. Most days, it was multiple times. Ugh. Nothing sounded good. At every appointment, I had lost weight. I know it’s not really a bad thing, but it was frustrating because I couldn’t keep anything down. Not even water most of the time.

After I had Lucy, I hemorrhaged which resulted in me needing a blood transfusion. From that transfusion, I got some sort of antibody which is totally harmless to me. However, it could harm the baby, potentially, possibly, if the baby had the antigen. With more testing, it was found that the baby did not have the antigen so all was well. No worries there.

At almost 19 weeks, we went for the anatomy scan. She was so perfect. Ten fingers and toes. The same nose as her big sister. Strong heartbeat. Everything was perfect. Perfect.

Then, November 12th, I went to the bathroom. I felt like I was trying to pass a baseball. I stopped panicking and it went away. A few hours later, I was bleeding. So we went to the ER. After 5 completely useless, wasted hours at the local ER, we went to Raleigh. There, we had the best doctors and nurses I’ve ever dealt with. They were amazing.

I was dilated 3cm.

The “baseball” I felt was the water bag.

Basically, I was in labor and didn’t know it.

Incompetent cervix is what I was diagnosed with. My cervix pretty much gave up halfway through the pregnancy. The hope was to do a “rescue cerclage.” (They were going to sew my cervix closed) I spent the night in the hospital laying down with my feet over my head, literally. They were hoping the fluid would flow back to where it needed to go. The next morning, they prepped me for surgery. I woke up from surgery, and was told the surgery failed.

My water broke during the procedure. And to make things worse, the umbilical cord was now through my cervix and possibly being pinched (which could lead to the baby losing oxygen).

I had to deliver my baby at 19 weeks and 2 days.

At this point the baby still had a heartbeat. But I went into active labor. It was awful. It seemed so much worse than with Lucy. Maybe because I knew the outcome. With Lucy, I had so much hope and joy. But this, my heart was already broken.

Sadie Ann was born at 3:40pm November 13th 2021…

With no heartbeat.

The placenta then would not deliver in full. After 3 agonizing hours, I had to go for another surgery, a D&C. Two surgeries and a delivery in 12 hours.

I woke up from the surgery in tears. I had held Sadie for a bit before the surgery. I got back to the room and held her more. She was perfect.

To say this experience was traumatizing is an understatement. To say I’ve experienced some of the worst depression of my life these past two weeks is putting it lightly.

I don’t know why this happened. I don’t know. The doctors don’t know either. They had no explanation for it. My pregnancy with Lucy was perfect, and up until the day before all this, my pregnancy with Sadie was perfect.

This isn’t fair. I don’t know why we are having to go through this. I would never wish this on anyone ever.

This pain… this hurt… this uncertainty… it’s truly awful and I really don’t know how else to explain it.

I didn’t “just miscarry.” I didn’t “just have a failed pregnancy.” I lost my child. My daughter died. I’m not sure this hurt will ever go away. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

The smallest things trigger me now. I’m not usually one to cry but now I’m crying everyday over something. The “early baby” episode of Bluey. Phoebe giving up the triplets on Friends. Finding out that someone is due in April 2022 when I was. Seeing a newborn. Seeing the bag of maternity clothes I had ordered weeks ago then received while we were at the hospital. A pair of Lucy’s infant socks that I was going to use on Sadie one day. A baby shower invite. “Baby’s first Christmas” ornaments in the store. Anything at all.

I keep thinking this isn’t real. I’ll either wake up one day and still be pregnant, or I’ll wake up and never have been pregnant – either way, this hurt wouldn’t be real somehow. There’s no way this is happening for real. There’s just no way. Maybe it’s all some sort of big joke. I don’t know.

Before, I was having dreams about the baby. Now, I’m having nightmares about what happened in the hospital. I relive it daily. It has consumed me. I can’t sleep. I’m having to take something every night to actually be able to sleep. I don’t think I’m resting though. I’m dreaming or having too many nightmares to actually rest.

Lucy was asking “Where’s baby?” or “Where’s sister?” everyday (even before we knew it was a girl). After we came home from the hospital, she stopped. She doesn’t pat my belly anymore. I think she knows somehow.

I was so ready for her to be a big sister. She would be the best big sister for sure.

I am so, so sorry to anyone who has experienced any of this in anyway. This is horrible.

To know she opened her eyes for the first time ever and saw Jesus face to face is comforting. To know he holds her now while I can’t brings a little peace to my broken mama heart.

Sadie Ann, I can’t wait to hold you again, to see your big smile, to kiss your little cheeks. I love you, Sadie girl. I will always love you.