Lock the Door

Since my alarm goes off at 5am, I am usually in bed between 8pm and 9pm. After I go to bed, my husband stays up a while reading, watching TV, or playing video games. Before he comes to bed, the last thing he does is take the dogs out. I am a very light sleeper, so most nights when he comes to bed, I wake up. This is usually our last conversation of the night:

Me- Is the door locked?
Him- Yes.
Me- Are you sure?
Him- Yes.
Me- Are you REALLY sure?
Him- Yes.
…about 23 seconds later…
Me- Are you like 100% sure the door is locked?
Him- *huge sigh filled with obvious aggravation*
Me-…
Him-…
Me- So was that a yes or a no?

I am pretty sure my husband hates when I ask him if the door is locked. Many nights, I still have to get up and see for myself. Otherwise, my anxiety goes crazy and I can’t sleep until I know for sure. I use the excuse that I “have to go to the bathroom” so I can get up and check the door. And just like my husband said, the door is locked. Once I see it, my anxiety is satisfied, and I can finally go back to sleep.

Recently, I have noticed that this conversation doesn’t happen quite as often. It use to be every single night. Now, it is just a few times a week. In my mind, that is progress.

Small progress is still progress.

I read this quote that said, “There’s no reason to look back. The past hasn’t changed.” I don’t know who said it, but I don’t really agree. Sometimes, I get really frustrated with how far I still have to go. I still worry often about everything, but I want to be able to not worry at all. I want to lose weight, but I still have so many more pounds to go. I want to read the entire Bible, but there are still several books to read through. I start doing something, work really hard, then get discouraged by how far I still have to go.

Sometimes, I have to look back to remind myself of how far I have come. I still worry, but I don’t ask my husband if the door is locked every night. I still worry, but my sleep quality is improving! I still have weight to lose, but I’ve lost 40 pounds. I still have weight to lose, but I already feel so much better. There are so many more books of the Bible to read, but I’ve read seven! There are so many more books to go, but I’ve already learned a lot!

Small progress is still progress. Small progress is still a victory.

“In everything we have won more than a victory because of Christ who loves us.”
-Roman 8:37

“Oh victory in Jesus, my savior forever!” I love this old hymn. Christ died for me. He died for my sins. Through him I can do all things, I have strength, I have victory. When I feel like I’m not enough, I know God loves me. When I feel like failure, I know I have victory in Jesus. When I cry, “Dear Jesus, come and heal my broken spirit,” he does. When my anxiety gets the best of me, God reminds me that he has already won!

Even when I feel like my progress is “small,” I believe God celebrates with me during those victories, even if it is just not asking my husband if he locked the door or believing him when he said he did. Small steps add up.

God, you are awesome. You are kind, gracious, and loving. You care for me and want what is best for me. Thank you for victories, no matter how small they may seem. I know they all add up to something so much bigger. I know they are part of your plan for me and for making my faith stronger. Help me to love you and love others better every day. Amen.

AMS