I’m not Mom

I’m not “mom.”

The idea of being “mom” terrifies me. It scares me so much that I never even wanted to be a mom. The idea that I must have it all together, that I must be the best, the thought that I literally hold another person’s life in my hands is TERRIFYING. Sure, I can keep a dog alive. But another human? HA! That, my friend, is a true fear of mine.

I’m not “mom.”

I don’t have it all together. I have been “mom shamed” so many times, even while I was still pregnant!

Side note – * to all moms out there that feel the need to “mom shame” others or even if what you are about to say it somewhat judgement all, please keep it to yourself! We are all trying! You’re trying! I’m trying! Just stop it. Be kind*

Anyway, “mom shaming” is real. Very, very real. “Mom shaming” is putting down a mom for doing/not doing something the way one thinks is the right way. I’m guilty of it. I’m learning to keep whatever negativity I have to myself. It benefits no one at all. No one. Sometimes, I get so focused on what everyone else thinks I should or should not do, I freak out, panic, have an anxiety attack, and just absolutely lose it. And honesty, none of it even matters.

I’m not good at “being mom.” I fail. I get mad. I get tired. I just want to take a nap. Actually, I REALLY want a chocolate cupcake and then a nap. Being “mom” is hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. She’s a great baby. But man, I’m pooped! The constant fear of doing something wrong is always hanging over me. Then when I do something wrong, that guilt falls on me hard and fast. Moms, you know what I’m talking about when I say “mom guilt.” It’s there. We can’t deny it. I honestly don’t think we (ok, I can’t speak for everyone, but this is definitely how I feel) could possibly do enough to ever get rid of the feeling of guilt that we “aren’t doing enough.” How discouraging is that?

THANK GOD I’M NOT MOM!!

I’m a mom.

I’m still learning this. Still trying to wrap my head around it. But I’m not “mom.” I’m a mom. My identity is not in being mom. My identity is in God. I’m his child. He knows I’m trying. He sees my efforts. When I repent and ask forgiveness for my sins, he doesn’t shame me for my wrong doings. He doesn’t bring them back up at a later date. It’s done. It’s gone. He doesn’t throw those things in my face. I’m good enough because he says I am.

I’m Ashley.

I’m a wife, mom, daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, granddaughter, friend, cousin, niece, aunt, dog mom, neighbor, dental assistant, church member, coworker. Each one of these things are just part of who I am. Not one is my full identity.

What I am fully, 100%, always will be, something no one can ever take away – I am a child of God. That’s my identity.

Thank God I am his.

I’ll never measure up to everything the world wants me to be.

I’ll never be the mom who has it all together, who does all the crafts without getting glitter literally everywhere, who has a spotless house, who cooks all meals from scratch, who’s child is always in line and obeys me all the time. I’ll never be a model with a perfect body, perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect everything (also, I’m too short, so there’s that). I’ll never be “the greatest” of anything. I don’t have any out-of-this-world talents. I don’t think I’ll ever be known or remembered for any great discoveries or writings.

I am kinda funny though. I’m a good friend. Hopefully I’m a child my family is proud of. I’m a decent mom. I mean, we’ve managed to keep her alive this long. So, I’d say things are going pretty well. I do enjoy writing. Will I ever publish the greatest book of all time? Probably not. But I feel like what I write is relatable and hopefully someone reading it will know they aren’t alone in what they are feeling. So I feel like that’s a positive.

I say all that to say… my job on this earth is not to be “the best.” My job is to follow God and point others to him. To love God and love others. I’m glad I’m not “mom.” I’m glad I’m not “wife” or “daughter” or “sister” or “friend.” I fail. I let people down.

And you know what? That’s ok. I’m human. People make mistakes. Not everyone is the best at everything.

God forgives me of my sins. He loves me even when I fail. He loves me always. I believe in him. I am his child and that is enough.

Colossians 3:1-4 ESV

“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.”

2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

Galatians 3:26

“for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith”

Romans 8:16

“The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God”

AMS